Humour in Real Life - Part 2

Odessa file:

In college, a totally bald professor had a class scheduled in the afternoon when we got news that he was sick, and the class cancelled. Me and my friend - incidentally both of us had shoulder length hair – decided to go watch the matinee show of the film “The Odessa File”.

We reached the theatre to find ahead of us in the line – who else but the bald professor. Like typical college kids we generally discussed him in colourful words and avoiding him got into the theatre and soon interval time arrived. Most folks left the seats to step out while we continued sitting.

My friend in a loud voice with very colourful words recalled the Professor bunking class to see a movie and soon asked in general. “Where the f**k is that baldy I say” and we turned around – only to find the Professor sitting exactly behind us and stared into each other’s eyes. We quickly turned back and I don’t think we even saw the rest of the film properly. Even as the credit list came on, we literally ran.

Next class of the Professor, we are petrified and after a while he asked the class to note down what he had written on the board and started moving amidst the desks. Mouths dry, heart thumping, we could hear him approaching us from behind. Head bowed low enough to touch the desk we just sat palpitating. The professor stood close by and with his fingers flicked our long hair and in a low voice asked – “How was Odessa file?”. We nodded dumbly and he moved on with a smile.

Pranks in Class:

Kids play pranks, even those in 12^th class and not so young play pranks, but this one was the mother of all pranks. Our class had an almost equal number of girls and boys and 5 girls in particular – quite tall, rather well built and very confident – were a class apart. We called them the 5-woman army.

We had a new lecturer, and the class was in a rather long room which had a bit of an echo effect and was on the 2^nd floor. One of the boys drummed up this idea of setting off an alarm clock in class. The girls scoffed at him saying he would get caught and punished. Instead, they suggested that they have the clock with them while the boys in question would sit in the adjacent desks.

Plans made and at the appointed hour the alarm went off and in that room with an echo made the lecturer jump out of his skin. Glared at us and demanded to know who the mischief maker was. All silence and he let us off with a warning. 15 mins later, RRRRRing the alarm went off again and this time the chap was livid. He came to the desk where the usual suspects sat and searched them only to find no clock. The boys were indignant and offered to sit in the front to prove their innocence by saying – the alarm will still ring.

True enough, 10 mins later the alarm peeled loudly again and the lecturer again came to the rear and glared at the girls and said – I think you girls are doing this. The chaps in the front advised – “Search them sir”. The man was furious as the class erupted into laughter and he came back demanding to know who had made that remark. The class and he didn’t exactly become friends.

On yet another day, being a long room, way back where nobody sat someone had rigged a series fire cracker with a agarbathi (incense stick) as its timer. The stick finally ignited the crackers and the next thing we know was the crackers going off – loudly with the echo effect – and the lecturer chappie did not just jump but ran at top speed from the class all the way down 2 floors till he reached the safety of the Principal’s chamber.

This landed us in hot water as the entire Chemistry department decided to boycott us. Unfortunately, our class teacher, a young fresh out of college chap, was also from the Chemistry department. He had no choice but to take all the classes and also handle the chemistry lab for all groups.

Young, good looking, bachelor, a talented stage artist he did attract more than normal attention from the girls. The 5-woman army told some of us to watch from outside the window when their batch had their lab session. Curious as to what mad caper these girls would drum up, we watched. The class was to find out the molecular weight of Carbon Di-Oxide – which is 44 – and needed to use the fine balance very delicately.

As the lecturer was wrapping up the class, washing the test tubes, one of the girls goes up to him and asks a question – she is rather close to him physically and the chap is uncomfortable but can do nothing. She leaves only for him to find the next girl come and ask a question, again very close to him and this time he finds it intimidating enough for his hands to shake as he washes the test tubes. Before he can recover, comes the 3^rd girl, biggest build of all, and tall, and she is almost touching him. The test tube fell and broke. Further classes suspended.

Airport Security:

I was at the airport security and as usual we dumped everything including our belt into the tray. One chap ahead of me was complaining about having to remove his belt and got into a mild argument with the CISF security chap. His concern was that his pants would fall off if he removed his belt and stood with hands outstretched. The CISF chap, least bothered and with a deadpan expression told the passenger – “If your pants fall off, its ok, makes no difference, security of plane is important.”

Bofors:

The Bofors scandal was at its peak across India with daily headlines and the famous lawyer Jethmalani asking questions every day.

Around 8 in the morning as I stepped into the facility campus the security chap tells me that I am urgently needed in the GM’s room. I walk in to find Sheikh, his secretary rather tense and beckoned me to join him as we stepped into the GM’s cabin. One look at us, irritated, he barked – “Where is the Bofors file?”. Sheikh looks at me and we knew we had a serious situation at hand with our absent-minded scientist boss. Trying to gain time I said “It must be with Hakim”.

Hakim was the Assistant GM, sat in the adjacent cabin and had this habit of pushing his chair back on 2 legs towards the wall, as he worked with the papers on his lap. Our scientist GM picked up the phone, called Hakim and barked “Hakim, bring me the Bofors file”. Thud, we heard a crash as Hakim obviously fell off his chair. Soon Hakim ran in rubbing his hurt head and bewildered and babbling about not being involved in Bofors or aware of the file.

Working with the absent-minded scientist GM, I knew the name Bofors would rhyme with some supplier’s name and I recalled one – Fosroc – with who there was work pending from our end. I ventured to ask if he was referring to Fosroc? Extremely irritated he shouted that since morning he had been asking for their file and we were playing the fool with him. Sheikh, now relieved, told him sternly that since morning he was demanding to see the Bofors file and created tension for all of us. Suitably chastened the GM said that reading about Bofors everyday had upset his mind.