Public Issue - A Short Story

This is a spoof, meant to be funny, not to be misunderstood as a insult or whatever. 

It was already 8 in the morning and Putin was still sleeping. He had been up till 5 AM and finally drifted off to an exhausted sleep. But then the news coming in from Ukraine didn’t look good and finally Anton woke him up, arranged some strong coffee by the time Putin walked into the situation room in a foul mood. The briefing didn’t look good. He was irritable and snapping at everybody and the only one who could stand up to him was Brychyova affectionately called Brychy. She could give him all the bad news and make him listen. She now told him.

“President, you need to get some rest and be fresh so you can give us all the right direction. You must talk to Baba Ramdev and restart those meditation and breathing exercises he has taught you. Your public image is becoming an issue here. The people of Russia thought we would just walk over all over Ukraine in a week and here we are even after months still struggling. We need to do something to address this public image issue and for that your good health is crucial.”

Brychy, I agree with you. Like Nike, I will just do it.

OK, this meeting is over and all of you get going. Maxim, get me the Baba right away. 

Putin went to his office while his aide dialled Baba Ramdev in India.

Hello Jai Sri Ram

This is not Jai, this is Putin.

Oh, actually, never mind. Hello Put in ji, how are you, what can I do for you?

Put in what? Don’t tell me you are going to charge me for this call?

I meant, never mind. I don’t charge my friends. How can I help you?

My public has become an issue.

Thank you, yes, we had brilliant success in our Public issue.

Really? you also had same problems.

Yes, but our public issue was very successful and we got 400 Million Dollars and our stock went up by 50%.

Wow, my teacher is Baba, and my guide is Brychy, and I must listen to you both more.

Why is your guide bitchy? Put in ji.

Ha Ha ha Baba you are being naughty. I can’t put in Brychy.

The baba whispers to his aide – “Saala yeh kya bol raha hain?”

Any way Put in ji, how can I help you?

I also have major public issue, I want your help, I am sending my private jet to you today and you come and solve it for me, ok?

No no no, I am not expert at this. I send you my CEO Sanjeev Asthana and he will handle your public issue. Very good chap, brilliant. You will get lots of money.

I love money.

Ha ha who doesn’t?

Ha ha, OK Baba take care and my jet is coming for your ass ana.

You want my ass? Oh, never mind, you just send the jet.

Baba wipes his brow with his shawl and tells his CEO

Sanjeev ji, yeh Putin hamesha mera confuse karke raktha hain. He speaks English in Russian. He is President of Russia and why he wants to have public issue I don’t know, but you please go and help him. He is good friend of India.

But Baba, they can send details of which company, how much money and all that first and then we can go.

Arrey, these politicians are all like this only. Now don’t argue, just go home, get ready and go find out what he wants. His jet will come very fast from Russia, but you will get stuck in traffic jam going to Gurugram.

Sanjeev reached home and as his wife Madurima opened the door said – “Listen Madhurima the private jet is coming soon and I have to leave, so kuch khaana khilado and help me pack”

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy, So Baba gave you a private jet for that successful public issue? And you are not taking me and the kids for a spin on that first?

What private jet? Woh saala Baba ek paisa ka bonus nahi diya abhi tak.

By this time his children were there and excitedly asking – “Daddy you are getting a private jet?”

Arrey sab log shaanth ho jao. Koyi jet wet nahin. Woh Putin hain na Russia mey, he is sending his private jet and wants me there to help him in some public issue they have planned.

Daddy Russia mey kya milta hain? Bring some good gifts for us.

Madhurima piped in – let him first come home.

Huh!! Madhurima what are you saying?

Then what. These Russians are dangerous fellows. What if they don’t like something and decide to do something to you?

Arrey you are imagining things. Just relax, this is just some advice he wants on some public issue they are going in for and Baba offered to send me. Must be something urgent, he is sending his private jet immediately.

OK, but keep messaging me.

Meanwhile on the other side of the border.

Zelenskyy was trying on different costumes and deciding what he will use to impress his people and the world audience that day. His aide Andriy with his film costume designer was also there and said, - “President, whatever image we show to the public, the world at large, fact is we are getting screwed. The destruction of Ukraine is only increasing. We need fighter aircraft, boots on the ground and it is high time you follow up with Boris. He sent some Brits unofficially to fight for us, but we need more.”

I know, I will call him, but the man is a bore. He just doesn’t take stuff seriously.

Its not his ass that’s being whipped. Bore or not, call him right away please.

With a sigh, Zelenskyy said – OK ring him up and I will talk to him.

Soon Boris picked up the phone and with a booming voice asked – Hello old chap, what ails you? I hope all is well and you are more popular than ever, brave chap I must say.

Boris, I need help and need it NOW.

What? Speak up I can’t hear you?

Zelenskyy could hear wild party music at the back loud and deafening. With a groan he shouted – Boris here I am getting my ass whipped and you are having a party”

No no no old chap, we are in the middle of a cabinet meeting, discussing how to help you. We are tightening the screws on that Putin fellow.

Zelenskyy with sarcasm evident in his voice – “Right, a cabinet meeting with loud party music?”

You misunderstand me old chap, this is security regulations. If by chance that old coot Joe were to be listening in on our discussions, this music will make it impossible for him to hear anything.

Suddenly there is the loud laughter of a lady.

Zelenskyy – who is that Boris? Who is that lady who cackled on the phone just now?

What lady? That’s just some sound effects, I think. Anyway, she was laughing. But never mind about her, tell me what’s on your mind? I must get back to the cabinet meeting.

I need jets, pilots, boots on the ground, the whole works, and when can you arrange that.

Right ho chap, I get it all now, jet fuel, boots I will send straightaway. The rest will take some time. But you are doing a great job, standing up to that bully, stiff upper lip as we say. Good luck, toodle-oo.

Meanwhile in Washington.

POTUS is grumbling as he keeps the phone down and looks at William Burns. Tell me how the hell does that chap Boris manage to have any conversation with all that loud music though we of course could hear him perfectly with no noise.

William chuckled as he said – Thanks to those Bose noise cancelling technology, we can listen to everything Boris says, perfectly no matter what kind of noise MI6 generates in the background.

Chuckling the POTUS said – true but imagine him speaking to folks like Modi, Macaron etc and what they must endure by way of those loud noises.

POTUS and Burns had a hearty laugh and POTUS with a sour face said – Can you mute that Kamala next time we listen in on these calls? That lady laughs so loudly that she can spoil this whole secret wire tap we have set up.

Will do Mr. President.

Meanwhile in the office of the Vice President.

The phone pings, and Kamala picks up to read a Whatsapp message from Boris.

Kamala, can you be a darling and keep yourself on mute when you listen in on my calls? Your laugh today made that chap Zelenskyy suspicious.

Of course, Boris dear, I am sorry, I clean forgot. But his reaction was really funny.

I know I know, but poor chap is getting horsewhipped and wants help.

Boris, you are a sly chap. The guy was asking for planes and people, and you promised him jet fuel and boots. That was hilarious. And then you called the POTUS an old coot, I wish I could see his face when he heard you. That was a scream.

Hee Hee Hee….. bye for now, and next time, mute.   

Meanwhile in California.

Mark Zuckerberg looks at the latest message that pops up on his screen and doubles up in laughter. He dials in Sandy, Chris, Andrew on MS Teams and as he shares his screen all of them double up in laughter. Andrew pipes in – Folks, this is priceless. The POTUS and Veep are eavesdropping on a call the Prime Minister of UK is having with Ukraine, the PM knows about it, the Veep knows that the PM knows about it, the POTUS and CIA have no clue about this and here we are looking at this so-called encrypted end to end Whatsapp chat. Its moments like these that make our job so much fun.

Everybody laughs and signs off to get back to work.

Meanwhile not too far away.

Sathya Nadella looks at the transcript of the voice call just received from his MS Teams team. With a shake of his head, he tells himself – Idiots, idiots, every one of them is an idiot. Boris, POTUS, Veep, Mark or Meta as he calls himself now. Everybody thinks nobody knows what they know. Unable to hold himself back he drives down to a nearby office building and walks into the office of Elon Musk and soon both starts laughing. Nobody knows what they discussed.

The private jet lands in Delhi and soon with Asthana on board winged its way back to Moscow.

Meanwhile in London.

Boris is unsure what to do. The entire Ukraine thingy was a mess. Nobody had a clue how to clean it up. As he sat sipping a cup of tea, he recalled a conversation on his recent trip to India about elders being more experienced and dishing out advise by the dollops. Making up his mind he drives down to meet Prince Charles. He knows that he is the only one in the royal family he can meet without an appointment, being jobless and with no clue what to do next.

Hello Princy old chap, how are you - Boris greets him.

How many times do I have to tell you Boris not to call me Princy. I feel like a pet dog. Call me Charlie instead.

OK Charlie, listen I need some advice.

He then proceeds to pour his heart out on the Ukraine situation while Charles listens patiently. He finally says – Charlie, I can’t even talk to Putin since the chap won’t listen anyway. I can talk to Zelenskyy, but that chap also doesn’t listen anyway. Somebody needs to educate him that just as the Brits did a Brexit, he needs to do a Ukrexit from the EU and NATO and sign up for some peace with Putin.

Any idea why the chap Zelenskyy has two Y’s in his name? Would one Y not be sufficient?

Huh! I have no idea.

Can you find out? Call up Richard and check with him.

With no choice Boris calls up Richard and asks him only to be told that Zelenskyy had consulted some Indian astrologer on numerology and was asked to add an extra Y for better luck.

Charles says – this means that this chap Zelenskyy believes in such stuff from India and can be easily educated about the error of his ways. I know just the chap who is here in London, and he is the cats whiskers. He studied in this place called IRMA where they taught you how to make whole villages  work together. Send him as your special envoy to Ukraine and get him to talk to Zelenskyy.

Charles calls up Girish Menon and explains the situation and soon Girish is winging his way on a private jet to Kyiv.

Meanwhile in Moscow.

The jet lands and a high-speed car whisks Asthana to the palace to meet Putin. The moment Asthana is ushered into the office Putin gives him a hug and gets straight into the problem facing him. 

Ass a na – so good to see you.

Asthana visibly winces and says – Mr. President sir, please call me Sanjeev.

Good, I will call you Sanjeev but then why did Baba call you an ass.

Sir, my name is Sanjiv Asthana, maybe you misheard the Baba.

OK OK, whatever, listen I have a serious issue. My public do not adore me like before. Baba tells me that you are a genius at making such issues before public a success and even earn money. So, tell me what we must do.

Sanjiv is now perplexed. Putin needs a marketing/ advertising spin doctor and here he was thinking that some company in Russia was to have a public issue. Damn that Baba, double damn. Why could not that chap learn English. 

Putin now impatient – Come on Sanjeev, give me some answers quickly. That chap Zelenskyy is getting away with all sympathy and we need to reverse this quickly.

Yes sir, yes sir, I understand and the best solution is to get you a marketing chap and not me. The answer is Cut the Crap.

What? Putin roared. You dare to tell me that I speak the crap? I will have you shot right away.

No no no sir, then Madhurima will be very upset and that’s not good.

Who is Madhurima?

My wife sir.

You are married?

Yes sir.

Not good when wife is angry, no?

No sir.

OK but next time be careful and don’t tell me that I talk crap.

You misunderstand me sir. I have a friend. Acharya, he runs an advertisement company called Cut the Crap. He can help you and make all the crappy criticism against you go away.

OK, then send the jet and bring him here. Till then you can relax, I will send some girls for you to play.

No no sir, not needed.

Its ok, I won’t tell your wife and Putin walks out.

Meanwhile in Kyiv.

Girish Menon is ushered into the presence of Zelenskyy and he grumbles – I ask for jets, pilots and soldiers and Boris sends me jet fuel, boots and you? What can you do?

Frankly I have no idea sir. But I believe that we must all live together and not fight. I am here to help you get peace, I want to use my Indian ancient wisdom, the teaching of the Mahatma and end the misery due to this war.

The two then get talking about the Mahatma, his struggles, sacrifice and soon Zelenskyy, his eyes filled with tears says – I want peace, I have tried everything. We have had so many discussions with Russia with no use. I agreed to whatever Putin asked, but he is still not happy. If you can help me, I will be your friend for life, give you citizenship of Ukraine.

Thanks sir, but what is the use of Ukraine citizenship?

You can marry one of our beautiful women.

Oh I don’t think my wife will like that.

You think she will object?

She will kill me if she finds out.

Then make sure she doesn’t find out.

Oh wife’s can find out anything sir.

Then what happens to the poor Ukrainian woman you marry?

Huh! I don’t know sir.

Hmmm I know. You can never understand wife’s. My Olena also would do the same. Never mind, what do you suggest we do.

Tell Putin that you are sending a special emissary to meet him to discuss peace. I will go meet him.

So, Zelenskyy sends Putin a Whatsapp message since luckily so far Putin had not blocked him there. Putin replied that I don’t meet emissaries, I meet only Heads of State. I will also ask my emissary to meet him. Who is your emissary?

Girish Menon.

Never heard of him. I will also find someone like him.

Meanwhile in USA 

Each of these developments are quickly known to all in the usual manner and as usual the news reaches Elon Musk. He tells Sathya Nadella – I wish I could buy Ukraine or Russia or even both. So much more fun.

Sathya is bored with such megalomaniac ideas, but he finds it funny to share secret stuff with Elon and his hope is that when Elon sets up a colony on Mars, Microsoft can sell its products there.  They have made a business plan already. They would call it MS MarsDrive, Mars 687. They could now charge for 687 days instead of 365, make more money. But he wanted to humour him and said – “Elon the kind of money needed to buy them is very high, you will need the world bank to fund you for that.”

Brilliant, says Elon and dials up the World Bank and gets the secretary to the President

Elon Musk speaking, can I speak with the President of the world bank please.

He is busy at the moment but if you can tell me the reason I can see if he can excuse himself from his meeting.

I want funding to buy up Russia or Ukraine.

There is silence and the secretary connects the President who speaks with Musk. Having heard him and after some thought suggests that after having worked in Afghanistan the only chap who can go to a war zone is a chap called Shankarnarayanan and sends him to meet Musk.

Soon, completely unconvinced but not wanting to offend the mercurial Musk, Shankar finds himself on a private jet to go meet Zelenskyy in person and explore this option.

Landing in Kyiv, Shankar drives down to the Presidents palace and as he walks in is totally surprised to see Girish there. Delighted smiles all over they sit down to discuss the issues. Zelenskyy dismisses Musk’s idea as absurd and asks the two to stay on and enjoy his hospitality for a day or two.

Realising that Girish would be going alone to meet Putin Shankar offers to join him and soon find themselves ushered into a room to meet Putin’s emissary and are shocked to see Sanjeev there. The three friends start talking and Sanjeev now an important guest calls up an assistant and asks for snacks and nimbu soda for all. The snacks and nimbu soda arrive and as they keep talking, keep drinking the nimbu soda which is delicious.

An hour later Putin sitting in the next room working as he counts the number of tanks and buildings destroyed, suddenly hears loud singing and walks into the room to find the three chaps completely drunk and doing weird dance moves as they sing together.

He is angry and calls the assistant and asks what was happening. He replies – Sir they asked for nimbu vodka, I didn’t know what nimbu was, so gave them pure vodka.

Putin stamps his foot in rage as he shouts – imbecile, they can’t handle pure vodka. Before he can realise whats happening, the three friends drag him into their midst and start singing. Listen here.

Putin & Friends Singing and Dancing

Within no time, the various aides of Putin, other soldiers everybody joins in the Indian music and start dancing. Putin starts singing and dancing. Listen here.

The Party in the Kremlin

By evening the Russian Presidential office is in shock as all work stops and everybody is singing and dancing to Bollywood music and while the Russians are sober, the three Indians are sozzled beyond care. Brychy as she looks on this weird scene, takes out her mobile and secretly films the scene and sends it to Zelenskyy to show him what his emissaries were doing.  Zelenskyy is amazed at the success of his emissaries that he says that he will sign off on whatever document these three can draw up and end the war.

Brychy quickly prepares a quick note and goes up to Putin who is standing, tired from the dancing, with a stupid expression on his face and without a second glance he signs the paper and goes back to join the three Indians. Brychy gets the document signed by Zelenskyy and by next morning when the three friends wake up with a raging hangover they get summoned to Putin’s office.  They are shocked at what they read. They have signed a declaration that the three emissaries would find an amicable solution within a week to solve the entire issue and it has the approval of both the Presidents.

The copy of the letter is tweeted by Musk when in a drunken stupor Shankar sends it to him by Whatsapp. Joe the POTUS is beside himself with rage that he is getting to know such an important development through a Tweet from Musk. He fires William Burns from his job. Kamala is roaring with laughter seeing the meltdown POTUS is having and secretly films it and Whatsapp’s it to Boris who is roaring with laughter. Richard quietly makes a copy of the film for MI6 to use against the CIA in future if needed.

There is a knock on the door and an aide walks in with Vikram Singh and Sundar Bhardwaj behind him. The three friends still in a daze look at them in a stupor. Putin roars – who the fuck are these two Indians? Is this a bloody Indian wedding or what? The aide says that the previous night when all were dancing and singing Shankar had forgotten a particular song that Putin had enjoyed. He had messaged Vikram and got the link to the song and Putin had ordered his aide to go bring Vikram Singh. Later Sanjeev had told Putin that since history was going to be made, they must find someone to write a case study for future generations. That would make Putin immortal in every management book. Putin was so thrilled that he had asked his aide to bring Sundar too on a private jet.

Suddenly the two looked behind and asked – Where is Naushad? Putin looks at them asking – now who the hell is that chap? The aide looks at Girish who has no idea where to look. Putin roars – you know something, spill it now. Girish tells him that he had wished that their friend Naushad was also here after seeing all those beautiful Ukrainian women. Putin had ordered for Naushad to be brought and that was when they found that they had run out of private jets. The aide had asked Briychy what to do and she had called up Zelenskyy to help. Finally, he had sent his private jet to bring Naushad.

There was silence and Putin roared again – so what happened? where is he? Nobody wanted to answer, and Putin saw Briychy trying to leave the room. His guards dragged her back in. Putin now beside himself with rage at the complete confusion that was unfolding in front of his iron handed discipline of Russia and how people would laugh at him, took out a gun and pointing at Briychy – Tell me, there is something very strange here and you seem to be the hidden hand behind all this.

Briychy broke down weeping and begged for mercy and said – Mr. President, I have served you loyally and never ever betrayed you. I wanted to help you end this war and make you look great in front of the world and so I became friends with Zelenskyy to find a solution, but this Naushad has spoilt everything. Everybody in the room was confused at this.

Putin said – explain. Briychy said – “We ran out of private jets bringing all these people together and I asked Zelenskyy to send his jet to bring Naushad. The pilot of the jet was Nadiya Savchenko.

We have no idea what happened on the way – but the two ran away together and the pilot sent a message showing the middle finger to Zelenskyy saying – I have found my dream man, good bye. Now Zelenskyy is also furious with me because he now no longer has a private jet”

There was a hushed silence in the room when Putin suddenly roared with laughter. He was literally holding his belly as he laughed uncontrollably and soon everyone in the room were laughing. Naushad had once again managed to diffuse a tense situation with girls. 

As the laughter died down Putin ordered the five friends to find a solution in one week while he would go rest in his dacha. The moment they had a solution they could call him. Briychy was made the go between with Zelenskyy for finding a solution.

The five friends spent the next 2 days thinking and thinking without any ideas. World peace rested on their shoulders. Destiny and a combination of circumstances had thrust a once in lifetime opportunity to save the world. 2 days later with no ideas in mind they were morose and crestfallen. Shankar tried to liven up the atmosphere by playing this old song.

Song that inspired the Eureka moment

As they listened, suddenly Sanjeev jumped up and said – “Chaps I found an idea. Let’s form a cooperative”. Everybody looked at him as if he had lost his mind. But Sanjeev was not to be deterred. I am not crazy guys, listen to me”.

He outlined his idea, and soon there was pandemonium all around with each of the five chaps coming up with something or other and they were just not agreeing to anything. Soon, there was total chaos and with everybody talking together nobody knew what was being said. Briychy was confused and managed to drag Sundar aside and asked him what the hell was happening. Sundar gave her a beaming smile and said – “Its like our GBM all over again”.

What?

GBM!

What is that?

General Body Meeting.

Oh, but then if this how you conduct your meetings how did you ever decide anything?

Oh, no problem, we had this chap called Jagmohan Bhat and he would bring order and somehow get a solution from the chaos.

Where is he?

He is in Mumbai.

Good, I will get him for you.

By the 4^th day with still no consensus on what to do and how, Jagmohan Bhat walked in and said – “Order order chaps, everybody sit down and let us discuss like mature adults. This is not IRMA, and we are not students. This is about world peace and so let’s talk one by one and decide on a solution. Everybody agreed and sat down to some serious brainstorming. Finally, by the 5^th day they had a solution which they thought would work. The idea was simply brilliant.

• Russia and Ukraine would form a cooperative society called Russia Ukraine Cooperative Union for Peace called RUCUP for short. Under this agreement Ukraine would allow Russia to place missile and other defences on the Ukraine border with Poland and Romania. Under the agreement Russia would have full use of the Ukrainian land and air space for an annual fee to move troops etc between Russia and the European borders but they were not allowed to damage anything inside Ukraine.
• Ukraine and Romania, Poland would form a cooperative union for Peace called Strategic Co-operation of Romania Ukraine and Poland for Peace or SCRUPP for short. Here Ukraine would allow NATO to place missiles and other defences in Ukraine border with Russia. Under the agreement NATO would have full use of the Ukrainian land and air space for an annual fee to move troops etc between European borders and Russia, but they were not allowed to damage anything inside Ukraine.

Briychy murmured – hopefully wont end as a FUCUP or a SCRU-UP.

They presented the plan to Putin who happily agreed now that he could have missiles on Europe borders. POTUS and NATO were happy that they would have missiles on the Russian border itself. Zelenskyy was upset. He said, “What is in it for me?”

The team spoke to him at length, but he remained unconvinced. They were now on day 6 and needed to close this deal fast. Finally, Jagmohan Bhat said – Folks, leave it to me and let me talk to him alone. They agreed and soon, once everybody left, Jags asked Zelenskyy.

Abey Zelenskyy, who is getting screwed the shit out of him today inside Ukraine?

Me.

Are the Europeans sending you soldiers, fighter jets with pilots to fight for you?

No.

So, who is again getting screwed in the bargain?

Me.

Good, now let’s come to this co-operative union.

If there is a war between NATO and Russia who will the NATO bomb?

Russia.

Now who will Russia bomb?

Romania and Poland.

Who is the one guy who won’t get screwed?

Me.

Tho saaley, what’s your problem? Today you are getting screwed by both, in this co-operative, you won’t be screwed by both. When they decide to screw each other, they will actually pay you for that. What else do you need?

Zelenskyy looked at Jagmohan and then leaped into his arms as he hugged him saying – Tussi great ho. I finally understood the solution.

The agreements were signed on the 7^th day.

3 private jets loaded with gifts, vodka, reached India, Britain and USA. The Russian embassy was to deliver the gifts to each house and a particularly large one landed up at the house of Sanjeev Asthana and as luck would have it, Sanjeev was not at home. Madhurima opened the box and found this.

1. Last heard Sanjeev was staying at the Patanjali guest house.
2. Zelenskyy is still upset that his private jet has not been found yet and he was searching all over for it.
3. Sundar wrote the case study and was awarded the best-case study paper by IRMA while globally he went on lecture tours and made truckloads of money.
4. Girish was given a Knighthood on his return under the prince’s quota and became Sir Girish Menon.
5. Shankarnarayanan was given a blue tick and lifetime free Twitter account by Musk while the world bank promised to send him to every war zone.
6. Vikram Singh was made adviser to Putin to explain all legal issues to him and inform him of all good music.
7. Jagmohan Bhat was made Chief Mentor to Zelenskyy but allowed to work from home in Mumbai. Zelenskyy told him that with most houses destroyed, there was no place to stay.
8. World peace was achieved
9. Elon Musk dropped his idea to take over Russia or Ukraine and the world bank heaved a sigh of relief.
10. Boris and Kamala continued to exchange funny jokes on Whatsapp.
11. Metaverse team continued to laugh at what was happening in the White House.
12. Sathya Nadella is still waiting to launch Office687.